One thing that has always been consistent in my life is my love of movies. I mean, everybody loves movies, but my perspective on them has always been a little bit different. Ever since I was little, I would put myself into the characters that I saw portrayed on the screen. You know, Nala from The Lion King, Ariel from The Little Mermaid, etc. I took the characters out of the film and into myself, and took on their personality traits for a little while. My mom's favorite was when we went to see Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (you know, that Lindsay Lohan movie from before she was crazy?) and I came out acting like a total bitch. It only lasts a few hours each time, but I can't help but draw characters from movies into myself.
Why is this relevant? Well, I just went to see the midnight premiere of The Vow. And I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I lost years of my memories. Which of my former selves would I revert back to? It's hardest especially when I look at my life in this very moment, and look at my life exactly one year ago....and to see just how different they are. I'm a natural born writer - I've had a pencil in my hand since I could draw letters. I published my first novel at 17. And yet, it's been two years since then and the only thing substantial I've come up with is a few poorly written beginnings to decent stories. I honestly can't remember the last time I sat down to write a story, when a year ago that's all I wanted to do. So it's hard not to wonder, what changed?
I personally have changed a lot in the last year. I broke up with my first real boyfriend and my best friend of four years, and now we have zero communication whatsoever. I found a wonderful guy just two months later, and we've been together ever since. So in the last 12 months, I was single for a grand total of two. My excuse to get out of my old relationship was that I needed to figure myself out. That was, however, mostly true. Four years of my life were spent talking 24/7 with him. I didn't know who I was outside of my friendship and relationship with him. And I was dying to figure that out.
Two months isn't nearly enough time to figure out your world, but I was lucky to find someone to help me build it up again. Going on ten months....there's days when I hate his guts and days when I love him more than anything in the world. But that's how love should be. He listens to my opinions and accepts them for what they are. He doesn't try to change me to fit his beliefs or the way he thinks. We've both grown accustomed to each other, and quite frankly, we fit pretty much like puzzle pieces.
Also, in the last 12 months I also lost one of my dearest friends, regained him again, and then lost him to his own huberus once more. I had a girl go on a single-handed rampage against me and send my mental health spiraling southward for the first time in a long time...and over a missed invitation to a movie night no less. That ruined enough of my relationships with other people for many year's time...all crammed into one. The past 3 months have turned me into more of a hermit than I've ever been in my lifetime.
However, today, I'm happy (mostly - extenuating circumstances with other people ^^^ make that less of a possibility) but I don't have very much. My friends are mostly gone or have turned their back on me, my relationships with the people I really cared about have been destroyed, but I have a great boyfriend. A year ago, I was the most miserable I'd ever been but I had more friends than I could keep up with, there was always someone to talk to, and I never sat around at home like I do now. So my other question is, what's worse? My life today, or my life a year ago?
My mother overuses the phrase 'things happen for a reason,' but I'm a firm believer in karma and I believe that she's right. It doesn't make me any less confused as to why my life is the way it is right now, but it makes me trust, and that's something I've struggled with my whole life. A good friend of mine would tell me that now is the time to turn to the Lord and let him have everything that I'm dealing with...but I have extenuating circumstances with God as well. Being told you're not a 'good enough' Christian by 'devout Christians' isn't very Christian-like. I didn't like that.
I never got closure for most of the things that have happened to me in the last 12 months. When you wait on apologies....you eventually run out of patience. And there are many that I needed to here. Air that needed to be cleared. Some cases I tried to do it myself, others I didn't because it wasn't my responsibility. But there isn't a day that goes by that I wish the people featured in this post would be reading it - so they would understand just how I feel. What I went through. Maybe that would cause them to feel sorry.
Timon and Pumba said it best, "You've gotta put your behind in the past" until they changed it to "You've gotta put your past behind you." They're correct of course, but it's hard to truly follow that. It's one of my character flaws to never forget the things that happen to me. Life is always changing. I'm sure a year from today I'm going to be wondering why I was writing this post instead of doing the things I aspire to do and not be all frumpy. But for now, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.
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